I consider myself a connoisseur of Massage therapy.
Well, of any kind of spa massage anyways.
See, I have a little bit of a buggered up back, around the shoulder/neck line, so every year when the cold hits, my shoulder acts like an old guys balls in -20 weather, and tries to escape into my neck. funny image, that. but true. So every year, I make sure I have a couple bills set aside for whoever I find to be the most convincing in their coaxing of my shoulder back into it's original position. Sometimes it works, and I find myself grateful to the Master Negotiator of Muscle. Then, at other times, I find myself ruing the day I ever came across that coupon for
'Free Hot Hamburger with Massage, courtesy of The Ligament Lounge!'
This year was so exceptional as to have a little of both worlds. I was lucky enough to bugger up my shoulder early in the season, so I didn't have to deal with all those crazy outta-control x-mas shopper-extraordinaries, and their pulled hamstrings or loose wallets. ( I hate having to tip extra to someone that didn't do the job properly. Just because that last two people in line to pay have each slapped down 20's, a gift basket, and some homemade cocoa, doesn't mean that I'm gonna do the same.) So I try out this new place, advertised in the phone book as the only physio- centre that hires only seasoned-Rmt's, which sounds both edible and medical, so I give it a try.
Glad I did too, fantastic place. Ended up having to go back only on more time, it was fantastic, and really reasonably priced! But if you think I'm gonna tell you the name of the place, tough luck.
My massage therapists! BAck OFF!
Kay. Now to the second place, and I'll gladly tell you the name in just a minute. So I got this awesome gift certificate from work, got it last x-mas, and it was about to expire, so I thought, gee what better way to start the holiday season than to get a relaxation package, which is a 45 min. relaxing full body massage, and a paraffin hand and foot treatment. For those who don't know what that is, I'll also get to that in a minute. So, I book the appointment for the day after my certificate expired, still got to use it though, and wait dutifully for the day when my back shall be relaxed and my hands paraffined.
Kay. Firstly, I did not receive a 24-hour reminder call, so I didn't actually remember that I had the appointment until about an hour before. that was fun. Found a sitter though, (my casual sitter fuckin rocks!) so I made it there with two minutes to spare.
Secondly, I was given the only massage room without a proper massage bed, so I had to make do with lying face down with a pillow on what felt like a hospital gurney, not just that, but a FOLDABLE hospital gurney. Lemme tell you, when yer nekked, you don't want to be feeling the metal hinges to your bed in the most uncomfortable spots. I swear, I'm sure they had a couple of teenage stoners come up with with the mechanics of that bed.
dumb ass1-"heh, it's cool that the principal let us outta detention to make up for the shop class project."
dumb ass2-"Heh. yeah. the Principal's a tool. heheh"
dumb ass1-"heeeyyy!!! wouldn't it totally rock if we put these cold metal hinges like, right where the girl's boobs are? then we could totally see some frozen tats! heh. heh."
dumb ass2-"Doofus! we aren't gonna see any of the chicks who'll be lying on this thing. duh. dumb ass"
dumb ass1-"ohh,... oh well, it'd still be cool."
dumb ass2-"no man! we already failed this once. dude I can't fail, or my parents won't buy me that x-box."
dumb ass1-"come on!"
dumb ass2-"heh. heheh. alright, let's do it!"
I rest my case.
Thirdly, I happened to get the one girl who they just let past the training stage, so she was pretty new. Didn't understand the concept of 'relaxation', you know, real talky and such, and the point got moot anyway, cuz as soon as she started, you could tell she was still doing the 'audible counting in the brain thing'. So I started to count along with her.
Left-side down, 1-2-3-4-5-6-pause..... drag hands up middle, right-side down, 1-2-3-4-5-6-pause..... drag hands up middle, repeat.
At one point she even asked if I knew the technique she was using, cuz I guess at some point the counting-along-in-my-head-thing kinda turned verbal, unbeknownst to me. I just said no, and went back to my counting.
I'll leave the paraffin for tomorrow, as this post is already getting too long. I know I said I'd tell you in a minute, and it will be for me, but everyone else will have to be patient.