My newest X-mas gift!

I like to dance. A lot. I like to dance for real, I like to dance for audiences, I like to dance when I'm happy, learned some good news, and yes, sometimes I do a little angry dance.




I also like to make up stupid little rhymes and songs/chants just for the fun of it. Usually it's because I'm bored, but sometimes, it's just because I'm a little bat-shite crazy. Okay. The chant thing makes it sound like I'm a hippy (which there's nothing wrong with, but I'm not) or some weird pagan-ey type person, which I am also not. Lemme explain.

Example:

Me and my guy have been looking for a house, one that allows multiple pets, and found two that I looked at and liked, and so filled in the appropriate applications for. Then comes the waiting. Both places said they'd call back this morning, and my guy was feeling skeptical about it, since most places for rent don't allow pets easily, if at all. Well, this morning, I got a call back from one of the places, and let me tell you, the guy I was talking to sounded so enthusiastic about having us live there, I pretty well signed on right away, but he was with the more expensive place. So I told him I'd think about it and get back to him. Not even ten minutes later, the other house called me back.



(Now lets take into account at this time in my story, that I was at work when this happened, although the store wasn't open yet. kay. back to my stupidity.)

So this other guy calls back, lets call him guy 2 for now, and guy2 is telling me how he thinks the place is ours, just have to drop by the office and drop a down deposit so I can guarantee a hold on it. and in the middle of this conversation, my work phone rings. I don't want to be rude to either person on the phone, so I swivel around the cell phone with guy2 on it, pick up the other phone, and do my little "Thanks for calling the gladly-take-your-money-store, can you please hold?" bit, (Multi-talented, that's me) and put that phone down so I can concentrate on guy2 who's in the midst of telling me move in dates, and the such. a short 30 seconds later, I'm off the phone with guy2, beaming stupidly to an empty store, and congratulating myself on winning the bet that both places would call back, even though my guy didn't actually make a bet, but I needed some way to fill my childish competitiveness up for the weekend. In fact I was so pleased, I got up and started doing a little 'winners' dance. And then I started chanting. 'I fukin told yuh, I fukin told yuh, I fukin, fukin, fukin, fukin, fukin, told yuh.' I finished up my dancing and juvenile chanting, and got back to work.



Only half an hour later, when I had just opened up the store, did I realize that I hadn't gotten back to the lady who I had asked to hold. I checked the phone of course, but there was no answer. Why should there be?

So now I'm left to wonder whether some random lady heard my potty-mouthed ranting, or if I got off the hook because she was impatient and couldn't wait for 35 seconds....







on a completely somewhat different topic, I had a lady come in that tried to give me $6.20 on an $8.47 bill. Between my saying it out loud and the computer screen telling her you'd think she wouldn't've had a problem. She blamed it on me not speaking properly, and how I should get my speech problems fixed, and did I know that roughly half of the younger population cannot speak properly? I replied in a properly low mumble,' did you know that about 75% percent of the population over 65 wear hearing aids, and about 35% percent probably need them?'

And so this is X-mas, and what have you done? no. really. ???

I take it all back. I hate winter. with a raging passion. I hate driving in the winter time, I hate the icy roads, but most of all, I hate the people. Well, to be specific, I hate those little punk kids who think it's oh so funny to unplug my car, especially funny when they know it's going to be around the -30 mark for a while. Although I admit that I forgot to post a big sign to my car that said,

"ATTENTION! THIS CAR'S BATTERY HAS JUST BEEN REPLACED, PLEASE DO NOT UNPLUG!!! thanks"

and that they couldn't have possibly known the mechanics of my car, in the fact that it's a peice of shite, so it takes twice as long as any other car on the entire earth, to accept and befriend any new part I choose to put into him. stuck-up little bugger. So I was without car for a few days, while my trusty trickle-charger did it's job, and I sucked major ass to get rides to work and back.

So I guess the moral of this story is that if you see a kid with shifty eye, baggy clothes, or even just a smile, Smack him as hard as you can. Cuz you know that they'll deserve it at some point.

3..2..1... KAABLOOOIIIEEEE!!! just kiddin

I have so much on my mind today, I'm going to implode in big yellow-gooey noggin pieces all over my workplace. so I write those noggin strainers here to save myself the hassle of having to clean up after myself.

To the lady who I'm meeting with to look at a house this weekend, I apologise in advance. When you say that you're new to renting out places and you don't even know if you care if there's animals in your house, I'm going to have to exploit and take advantage of you at every chance I get. I really want that house.

To my left eye that has been twitching off and on for the last four days, Fuck off already! getting really annoying! and if this is an 'only symptom that appears before you get a brain hemorrhage' type thing, I'm going to be really pissed off!

To everyone who wished me well for my birthday, as well as those who laughed at me and then said I'm getting old (like my son) thank you. but it's really not necessary. Next time just send booze. anonymously. works better.

To my son, who loves to give presents as much as receive them, or even just to know that the present he gives can be used by everybody (and by everybody I mean him) I think we're going to have to go over some basic house rules again. even though you bought it for me and picked the colour and everything, there is no way in Hell that I'm sharing my coffee pot with you. besides, it'll stunt your growth.

To my friend, who's having a blast after breaking off a crazy-stoopid relationship, slow down. There's enough yummy boys to get around to, without having to break so many of those boys' hearts. but still, you go lady!

To my absentee Landlord, in the immortal words of someone else I know, 'Go bugger yourself. I'm done.!'

To the customer who loitered in my general working area for 15 minutes furiously smelling something, you gross me out. Stop-no, sto-stop stop... step away, and leave the immediate area. icky (I sit right in front of the porn section of a magazine store by the way, no fault of mine, just where the comp.'s placed)

To my cat, who woke me up this morning by trying to eat my toes, I have many knives, and if one of my toes goes missing, I guarantee that your tail will go the same way.

To my brain-to-mouth filter, which I obviously left at home today, I miss you.


and finally I leave you with this question. When you sell papers like the star Phoenix, and the globe& mail, and a customer asks you if either are available, does the following sentence sound dirty to you?
'No, I don't have any globes right now, but I have a star!'

Come one, come all, to the hell that is my X-mas!!!

Ever been so tired that you're not really sure whether you're actually awake or not? Well, that's the position I look forward to being in the next few weeks. X-mas is coming. Whether we like it or not. And due to the overwhelming appreciation for booze and theatre in Bellybutton SK (where I live), and due to the fact that I serve in a "Theatre", I get to witness all sorts of appreciation to both very soon. We have a new show in the theatre, Called Playing Doctor, that if you don't think about when you see it (like, at all...) isn't really that bad.

In a nutshell (literally) the play is about an up and coming writer who's spent the last few years living with his best friend, in the quasi-lap of luxury, on his parent-paid college fund(he was supposed to become a doctor, duh). Twist: His rich parents-CEO dad, trophy mom- come to visit him out of the blue to see how his doctor practise is doing. So he hires his best friend-a shitty actor- to get some acting buddies to play patients, and then, yep, Plays Doctor.

And Hilarity ensues.

The recipe? Think of it as bad british slap-stick, throw in some really painful groaners(Groaners means horrible joke for all twisted sickos out there.. like me) a coupla chicks barely dressed, and some self-righteous semi-nudity.Then wrap a shitty plot around it, and presto. This is what I get to watch for the next month and a half.

Luckily, I also get to serve selfish bastards and their women booze while I'm at it, so yay for tips!!, and boo for un-called-for ass grabs from old yuckies, people who think they don't have to tip for drinking coffee(We still serve it to you, where the f*ck did you think it came from? I don't see no Juan and donkey roaming about) and disgruntled women who realize that the buffet isn't all it's cracked up to be.( I mean, come on. No matter how you dress it up, it's still a stuff-your-f*ckin-face-before-it's-all-gone kinda thing. One step up from piggies at the trough. As for the women-only reference, come on guys. You know you don't taste it. That stuff's just for soakin up the booze so you can drink more.)

So yay for working. And yay for two jobs. And yay for no sleep.
Now where did I park my Juan?

Enlightenment and Vegetables.

You know, I've always been angry about the working position I chose. I've been in Customer Service retail for about 10 years now, and I never could get over the fact that I hate people. I'm always flabberghasted when they don't know how to swipe their own debit cards, a mite annoyed when they can't check their own lottery tickets, a scrap depressed when they can't follow the signs to get to a bathroom. Well, today, I felt a little bit of compassion. I don't know, call it the holiday season, it's 'Magical', whatever. I was *ahem* servicing a customer (now don't make this dirty you sickos!) and the doe eyed look on that old guys face just made me want to reach out and pet his mane while feeding him an apple or a lump of sugar, and I realized.


"These Customers aren't being stupid just to piss me off and make my day worse! They actually and Factually don't know any better! They're just plain old dumb! "


And of course that made my day better, and with that thought out, the customers didn't seem as stupid to me, just mildly endearing, if not entertaining.


And so I leave you on a lighter note. The next time someone pisses you off with their stupidity, do not frown. No. do not use any wasted emotion on these poor souls that have been depraved of the common sense and good old working brain cells. Instead, look them in the eye, smile, and gently pull their bridle down until they are eating the carrot out of your hand. and oh yeah. always bring carrots.

Tips for the dutiful Consumer pt.1

Ok. So I've been noticing this more and more lately. Cell phones.and the immeadiate and deadly rude use of it in a public place. Particularly in my store. More to the point, when they're at the cash register, with me. Ok. So first I go through the 'is it me?' phases. Do I stink? Have they been here before, and I just didn't have enough stimulating conversation for them? Am I just plain creepy? These and other questions will inevitably pop into my brain when confronted with me losing a chance for small talk to a piece of coloured plastic electronickery. And, do you know, I just love being Told to put said merchandise into a bag, or being Told to get certain said merchandise. Because when any action is put to me when the customer is only half paying attention, or is put to me as a side thought deterred from his more important conversation about supper, and who he/she/it saw last night, that action becomes a demand, a telling to, and not a request. and that irks me to no end. So my course of action? Talk as loudly to the customer as I can, while he is on the phone, so that if he can not tell the importance of conversing with a flesh-and-blood person instead of a voice carried through satellite waves, then at least the person on the other line will have enough sense to ask to call later. or stop talking. The other thing I do is wait. just wait. I wait until they're done their conversation, or until they have enough sense to put the guy on hold, or the phone down, and apologise. Sometimes I help the people behind them, or clean things, but mostly I just stare and wait. So really. I ask any of you who read this. If you happen upon a store and are just coming to the checkout when the phone rings,PUT THE BLOODY THING DOWN!thank-you.

four! in a row! craziness!

Customer Service.
It's a difficult biz to get into. most people can't handle the stress of it. However, that doesn't mean that not every Sally, Dick and Jane can do it.
I personally think Customer Service is the easiest bloody job to take on, not really hard at all, requires about three brain cells, even my son could do it and he's only four.
I think that most retail/customer service/lackeys should at least have the common sense to know three important rules when working.
1. the customer is always right(until out of earshot)
2. Listen to the customer, don't try to guess(they'll usually tell you what they want)
3. do what you get paid to do, nothing more, nothing less.

These three rules will not only keep you in your job, but probably make life easier to handle in the long run. really.
example. This morning, I inadvertantly tested an employee of a certain bagel shop in above rules. I thought, gee wouldn't it be nice if I could make my own mocha? I could just use Coffee, chocolate milk, and a little cocoa and voila! impromptu yumminess!
So I asked for four things.
My lunch, a tasty lox and capers on a cream-cheesed bagel, which was made slowly, incorrectly(she made me egg salad) and with many interruptions, since the girl was talking to the thingy in her ear, which I can only assume was either an earbud to a radio, or one of those phone plug-in-thingys.
Some soup, which was forgotten about until we got to the cash register.
The coffee, extra large (which you pour yourself, they just give you a cup)
The Chocolate Milk (which was in the cooler behind the counter, not in front with the rest of the pop and cream cheese that you just grab yourself. guess it's more valuable or something.)(this was also forgotten completely.)
Now, I happened to be only carrying debit and not any cash, so when I got my reciept and noticed no chocolate milk and realized my morning caffiene/sugar rush was postponed due to lack of listening to the customer, needless to say I got a little upset. I pointed my ice blue daggers her way and spoke in just above a whisper( don't really have a voice first thing in the morning), 'umm, where's the milk?' to which I got one of those pointy up fingers that one does to show they want the other to hold on, they're busy. So I said, a little louder,'where's your manager?' to which she replied, 'I am the manager, just hold on a sec, I'm a little busy.' and continued her conversation with her ear. At this point in time, Her manager came out( aha!!! LIAR!) and asked if I had been helped, and I proceeded to rip the little ignorant bugger a new one, using such words as:
'girl can't take out her earbuds long enough to do her job',
'a little confused with my order since she made me egg salad when I obviously asked for lox and cream cheese',
'is she actually a manager, because in that case I'm not sure why I even bother to come in here in the first place if that's the kind of person you like to hire',
-and-
'forgot my chocolate milk, and I only have debit, and I can't make my perfect mocha',
all in a surprisingly whiny voice( I guess I'm not very witty first thing in the morning either, mostly just a big puss). In any case, the girl got a swift talking to, I got a free egg salad sandwich, got my coffee refunded, and subsequently went to Starbucks and got a big americano.
So in conclusion, this is my fourth post in a row, and already I have nothing to write except how much people piss me off first thing in the morning. shitty..




p.s. oh, yeah, forgot to mention I'm trying to do this everyday for a month, care of napomlobo? namoplobo? nope... just a sec... NaBloPoMo. That's it. That stands for National Blog Posting Month. so that's what I'm doing. cuz I have no life. that's all...

Caffeine and Music makes Me a happy Girl!!!!

I like coffee. not just for the caffiene, as these days you can get caffeine any old where, be it in pop, pills, juice, even on it's own(in liquid form of course, but still.) I like coffee for the taste. Sure, I know what you're thinking, T.P why do you like something that tastes so horrible bitter and rots your guts from the inside out making you into a literal walking espresso machine? (by the way, my love for coffee runs so deep in my veins, the least amount I've ever had would be 2 cups a day) Do you do it because all the cool geeks wearing berets and quoting Tolstoy are doing it? well guys, to tell you the truth, I like it because it tells me too. Frankly, I've been drinking that frothy steaming bevvie for soo long, that I don't think I could possibly start any day with out it anymore. It has become one with me and burrowed so deep and dark roast into my cerebral mush that I don't give it orders anymore. it talks to me. tells me what kind of day to have. tells me all sorts of things rea-


Hi there! sorry about that. My mind may have wandered too far off of the mission-I mean topic, that has brought me here today. Today I wan't to tell you about a great new thing called 'Starbucks'. These beans and bevvies have brought beauty and justice to the world, and in doing so, have made me a better person. If not for them, I wouldn't be the mindless drone upstanding citizen I am today. Why, there's lots of fun things that Starbucks brings you. Such as their commercials. I love their commercials. You should too. Commercials are fun. They let you know what you need to buy. and there's no brainwashing, I promise. Now just look into my eyes....

Work Woes

OHh, woe of all woes! The Store is being cut down on hours, prices, and space!
The Magazine store in which I work is coming upon financial hardships. Therefore, brain matter was used, and though many ideas came up, Here are the few that are going to be put in motion.
-Starting November 3/2007, New Store hours are now as follows:
-Monday-Saturday:10-8
-Sundays and Holidays-CLOSED
Now this is a Big change, seeing as how we're losing 2 hours per weekday, and 8 hours on sundays and holidays. also, comes the rescheduling, as I'm now myself down to 37 hours a week(not factoring in the second job) and all the part-times will be at the minimum 3 hours a night, and, hopefully, this will give the part-timers more inclination to fight over the shifts that are not being taken regularly, and not just quit.
Also,
-Starting in the New Year, we will be cutting down on 300 sq ft of space.
Now this one isn't so bad, seeing as how we don't really need the corner space we're giving up, as all it's there for is newspapers and puzzle books, both of which could be easily moved to another area of the store. Also, it's the coldest corner in the place, as there's no heating vents over there, so our heating system is constantly on, cuz there's still sensors there, I believe. The only bill that won't be bitten back is the electricity, cuz there's only two lights in that section, and then a giant skylight. There's so much space in the store that's not being utilized, giving us a kind of under-decorated feel, and so I think a few landlord-paid renovations will be coming out of the woodwork in the near future as well.

Now you may be wondering what exactly these hardships are that have us doing a couple of drastic changes...
The first being the canadian dollar. yup. Since the loonie went up, and the us daller went down, our one and only question coming in has been 'when are You going to be lowering the magazine prices?'
I've come to loath this question, I really have, only for the reason that there's so many answers out there, and all of them are the truth.
-Magazine covers are pre-paid at the current price for up to six months in advance
-Each and every publisher has to set a commitee meeting for cover price changes, some which might take a while
-Some Magazines like to wait for a certain amount of time, to see if the dollar will settle, or go back down,(why should I change the price when the price is going to go back to normal within three months?)
and other such excuses that were made readily available to me when the dollar first went up.
Now the customers have all heard these a little too often, and so aren't happy with the answers anymore, because they haven't changed. So they've stopped coming. boycotted the mags, if you will. Sure, there are still those who can't do without their monthly fix, but that's usually a collected magazine, sure to be worth something in the future.
So our lines have petered out and our returns have gotten bigger...

The second would be the raising of the minimum wage. Now I've learned a great little deal about this quite recently, mostly being that no matter what they raise the minimum wage to, anyone who's making minimum will still be below the poverty line. Now they consider anyone making 18-20000 a year below the poverty line. Now 7.95 to 9.25 in two years is not going to change a damn thing. And just recently, very recently, as recently as yesterday in fact, there was a poll sent out to all business owners about how this raising of minimum wages would or would not benifit them. And there was an interesting question in and among the list. It said:
"Basic Personal Exemption(BPE): Currently Saskatchewan's BPE is $8,778 compared to Alberta's $15,435 (this is the amount of income not subject to tax). Increasing the BPE allows workers to earn more before having to pay income taxes."
Then below was a question asking if the BPE should be raised in Saskatchewan.
First? duh...
Second? Hold on, hold on... we're only at 8,778? so even if a minimum wage worker is making 18000 a yr, after the first 8778 he/she's taxed? No wonder so many people are below the poverty line! Hell I've got two jobs, making over 25000 a year, and I'm still below the poverty line! WTH?
so... the independant business owners are forced to take a little more money from their own wallets to give to their employees, who then can give it back to the government and no one really benefits from this? well then. I don't want a wage increase. I'll be paying for it.
and really, being a business owner, when you're down this far with no one wanting to buy your product, and then you have to fork out a few hundred extra dollars to your employees, probably out of your own pocket,(whether they deserve it or not), you'd probably do all you can to keep Some money in your pocket...
And thus, the reasons all add up.
Blegh.
And so ends another adventure(Rant) from the Tiny Pianist.
Tune in Next time, when it Snows!

IN-VEN-TOR-Y!

AHH! ERNIE!
So today at the Store of Marvolous Magazine Magnificence, we have our
inventory crew coming in from WIS, which I am assuming is Western Inventory something...
school? they all look like they should be in school, some on the short bus. K that's mean. But seriously! Their Leader sounds Like Ernie! as in Bert and? and there's this other mean little woman who I guess since I'm at the front all the time and they wouldn't want a guy to come and count everything(we might start a convo. *gasp*) they paired up the diminuitive shrew with me. So every 2 minutes or so, 'what's this price?' 'you guys forgot to sticker this' and the oh so popular 'oh nevermind, you don't know anything I'll go ask your boss.' I LOVE IT! My goodness, if that little bleep wasn't 4x4 I would've punted her across the store by now. I still think that WE who work in the store, should've been paid to come in on a sunday, and count everything ourselves. I mean three hours of counting things? not hard. and he would've been paying us probably a little less. so bossman would've been saving money. sheesh. oh well. It has provided me with enough entertainment to last not just the two hours they were in here, but for the next three hours as well. at least until I get my 2:30 brain shut down.
K that's it for today- mebbe...
Stay tuned for more ad-ventures from the TinyPianist!

It Was Me!

HAHA! Yes It was me Saskatoon! It was me that denied Matt Good his oh-so precious New York Times Daily! and if he's not happy settling with the lousy weekend edition of the paper, and decides not to go on tonight, as I was told expressly, then you know who to blame! HAHA!
and don't you worry, my number's included in my 'apology' note to said singer, so I will be the one who gets the talkin to by whoever persons are in control of his personal and mental health! And if said newspaper puts him over the edge, and he decides to go on a lack-of-newspaper-crazed killing rampage, know, Saskatoon, that it was I that put him in that place! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

seriously, if you can't read a certain paper everyday, or if you can't do the crossword? in said paper, you should not be singing for a 80 bucks a ticket, you should be singing for like-minded gown-wearing, drooling, fellow crazies in the psych-ward! blagh!
I guess I could understand the importance of the New york times horoscopes though... I myself Never go out without consulting my ever-important msn horoscope. Heaven forbid I should be wearing the wrong colour for the day, or if I'm overly talkative, when I should be silent, lest I put my foot in my mouth...
well that's it for today..
Stay tuned for more adventures of the TinyPianist.